Funny Status Messages

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this support of Crony Capitalism, growing Governmental Corruption and selling out this nations sovereignty to the new Globalist Governmental System. Am I missing something here?