Funny Status Messages

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?