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Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge. 
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back
Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny.
If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.
If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.
Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?
Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?
so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.
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