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A total of 11 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend. 
My 2017 diet is going well. After 10 days of starving myself I've only gained 3 pounds...
If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.
IKEA is just adult LEGO sets
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!
My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.
Went to buy a pack of smokes and this lady behind me says "you should really quit smoking".i said I know but I'm worried if I quit smoking I might start murdering. That shut her up pretty quick.lol
I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."
A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.
..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.
A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!
Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you need a breath mint.
Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.
Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.
A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter. 