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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends). 
If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities
Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.
So what happened to Oscar the Grouch if you overslept on trash day?
Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.
me: raises hell Hell: put me back down!
I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
*Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
Animals are our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport
My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.
Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine. 