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Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things! 
If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...
Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...
I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.
Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask š
and it's dark at 5pm
In an effort to be more health conscious Iāve quit eating Reeseās bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.
When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice
I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so letās stop with all the āhappiest place on earthā lies
on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!
Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....
Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.
I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.
Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.
Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking. 