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I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket.... 
Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.
Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.
I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.
My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.
Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.
Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...
Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.
I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."
25 days on lock down and I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag
I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!
Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil
I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.
Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail. 