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In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes. 
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo
My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.
Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40
Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.
Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
Just once, I'd like to see a judge
take the verdict slip from the jury,
look at it, and then turn and say,
"ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.
As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife
Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....
Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou. 