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"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo 
My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.
Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40
Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.
Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
Just once, I'd like to see a judge
take the verdict slip from the jury,
look at it, and then turn and say,
"ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
I'm still watching the Never Ending Story
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account
I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........ 