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When I see a flash mob in public
I immediately join in to make it seem
like they didn't practice enough. 
Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......
Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.
Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?
Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...
My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.
The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.
Decaf is the handjob of coffee.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.
Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon? 