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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing 
Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?
All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.
I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.
I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.
Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.
I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.
a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb
If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.
I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.
Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.
I finally received my W2 from Facebook
[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon... 