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St Patrick's day: A day the Irish celebrate their rich heritage by acting like a bunch of Puerto Ricans. 
Met a lady yesterday...It was love at first sight...Then I took a second look !!
Biden's economic policy makes about as much sense as fragrance free perfume...
If you want to distract from you own crimes, blame something on someone else...and try to impeach.
If you haven't contributed anything to society, then why would you even think twice about destroying it? Especially when there are no consequences.
Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. . .
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.
Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Tonight seems like the perfect night to stay home, pop up some popcorn, veg in front of the TV and watch Ferguson burn to the ground.
ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home
There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.
You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.
I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times
Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.
Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me 