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My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20. 
Due to the threat of possible storms, all homeschools will be on a two hour delay tomorrow.
There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell everything you know.
I imagine by now a lot of husbands are willing to build that She Shed.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.
Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.
Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?
I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...
A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense. 