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It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work." 
I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.
a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either
Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.
*gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*
My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.
Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.
I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.
needs to sit down in the Thinking Chair and Think...Think...THIIIINNNKK!!!
silence is golden but duct tape is silver
starting to agree with the voices in his head......
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas
statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds. 