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Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan." 
[during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.
The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!
You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"
How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.
When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.
Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!
I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.
I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.
Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.
Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.
Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.
Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..
Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!
The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.
Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.
Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.
If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends 