Funny Status Messages

   .I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?