Funny Status Messages

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.