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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times. 
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.
If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?
I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!
The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.
I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
My five year plan is to make it through this year.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.
I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes. 