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eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it 
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"
I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.
Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...
It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.
*rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......
I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.
The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.
This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something. 