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The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks. 
A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?
We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.
If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead
I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt. 