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found a new place to live...it includes all utilities, free meals, gym, arts & crafts...and my insurance pays for it all...The Nuthouse :o) 
I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.
I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.
In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..
Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I'm going to print out all my Facebook status updates and stuff them in the cards... much easier.
Peter Griffin is clearly half Irish and half Ballchinian.
Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?
In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.
Missed the golden globes...My life is over... Now I only have 20 other award ceremoniess to watch that pertain to the same thing.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Just for laughs I typed 'crazy beotch' into my gps and it gave me directions to my exes house!
I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Dear future politicians, If one of you promises to synchronize a few traffic signals around here, you'll get my vote. Sincerely, Taxpayer #317.
Man it's Hotttt!!! I am sweating worse than Al Sharpton on Jeopardy.
for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.
Water in the Gulf of Mexico is now worth $75 a barrel.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.
Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.
Never get too excited when someone you haven't talked to in a while calls you... they will most likely start with small talk to try and cover up the favor they're about to ask you. 