Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste! 
It's nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.
feeling a little off today, anyone want to turn me on?
The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.
Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of !!!
trying to remember what we all used to do before facebook was invented
works hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
finds all the RIP's for a drug addicted Amy Winehouse and none for the 92 innocent people killed in Norway yesterday rather ironic.....
The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ...
It's weekend! So drink triple.. see double.. act single!
is watching "according to Jim"...god definatly took the wrong Belushi
Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.
Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"
keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!
Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.
Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..
Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age
Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family
You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you. 