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i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio 
othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.
Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.
Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.
My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king
There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.
That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone
Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !
Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.
Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!” 