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whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger. 
Everything is so digital these days, my kids can't even read a clock with hands.
...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D
I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.
I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.
Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.
You know what I like most about people? Pets.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.
This is a list of people who asked for your opinion.................
If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.
- My wife got us tickets to The Nutcracker for tomorrow night, so at this point I'm rooting for the Mayans.
BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.
Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.
Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.
Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere
FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.
The problem with the general public is that it's made of people. 