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Unless the next one is a dude, I don't want to here any more about Tiger Woods 
This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.
I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."
Oh, look at the time.... The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off
thinks if there wasn't a last minute he'd never get anything done
Today my allergies came up to me, punched me in the face and said "Hi B%tch! Miss Me?"
I hate when girls show there muffin top and still think there sexy
Brace yourselves... Everyone on Facebook is about to become a constitutional scholar.
kevin costner dropped the ball this time
You don't see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don't see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Not only am I a master of suspense but I
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.
Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Internal Revenge Service
I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.
I would punch you straight in the face but my hand would get covered in the $hit you talk.
Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.
Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox. 