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I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity. 
What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking
If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.
my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
"Nice mask' Me firting in 2020
We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
May your coffee kick in before reality does.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours 