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A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE" 
I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.
Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.
*spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
This job is really getting in the way of my naps.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.
Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me
"Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol
I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside. 