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You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day. 
I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by,
"that's him officer"
Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.
Some people should
use a glue stick
instead of chap stick.
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?
My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers. 