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Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first? 
Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.
So how did Amish.com happen?
Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.
In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
You had me at “we have a warrant”
I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.
She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.
Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
* 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.
" I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."
My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession!
I replied...
"wake me up before you go go" 