Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch!

   My paperless origami business folded.

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   "Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life