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The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight. 
Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.
Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true 