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How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback. 
Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.
Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..
Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.
During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.
After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.
So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3
Except #631
Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)
Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.
Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!
The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .
Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.
The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?
Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't
Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire... 