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Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here. 
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.
The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.
My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.
Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.
You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen
Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...
Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them. 