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You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying. 
Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.
I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?
I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.
Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.
Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.
Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?
I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.
The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.
Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button
NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.
This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success. 