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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me. 
Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.
Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .
Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.
Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.
Big misunderstanding: I wish someone had told me ahead of time that I wasn’t required to disrobe at a “Gender Reveal Party”.
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!
An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.
Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth
If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere
Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.
Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke. 