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If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store? 
Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.
Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
Why do baby clothes have pockets ?
I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.
"did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"
Alexa, clean up my act!
It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.
The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!
The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.
I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled
Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.
Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.
If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage. 