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“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches” 
The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe
It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.
If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...
I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you
"It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club
Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.
PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives. 