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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like "Damn, where you get all them cards?" 
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.
Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.
The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.
If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.
That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality. 