Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   I always confuse reptiles and amphibians. OK to be honest, neither one knows what I’m talking about.

   “You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.” My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

   Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

   Sadly, the Coronavirus has better coverage than T-Mobile.

   Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937 With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

   Shout out to all my homebodies.

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.