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A massage is just professional petting for humans. 
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...
Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!
*Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."
Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.
Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?
Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.
Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.
I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.
For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...
My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.
When I was a kid we used to keep our Facebook accounts secure with a lock and key we used to call a diary.
If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....
Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot. 