mm Funny Status Messages

   If medicine worked you wouldn't need to refill your prescription... If food worked you wouldn't have to keep eating. Not all medicines are cures, some prevent things.

   I just witnessed a state highway patrolman pull someone over for staying in the left lane on 23. That was satisfying as hell. Left lane is for active passing in case you didn’t know.

   It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.

   There's a problem with Kinect for X-Box... If I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Folks crying about $4 a gallon gas while in line for $6 coffee.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   I got to face the facts. My orange loser will never darken the doors of the white house ever again. Not even as a tourist.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job... What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Loner Halloween."

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it...

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...