M Funny Status Messages

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   Pizza is like sex, it's always good even if it's bad.

   Dear Transgender people, Don't you dare tell me I have to accept you for who you are when you couldn't even accept you for who you were.

   Social Networking: Facebook has degraded to displaying women's behinds playing golf and bowling?

   Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.

   I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.

   This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/

   I don't see what the big deal is with the legalization of pot in Washington D.C. is...I always thought those people were smoking something anyway.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.