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I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar? 
Bill O'Reilly and Bill Cosby walk into a bar. Everyone immediately covers their drinks in fear.
Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.
The President's old Ferrari sold at auction for $270,000. It would've sold for more but it had some pre-existing conditions.
If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?
North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .
Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.
The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"
There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. — Tallulah Bankhead
I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.
Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.
Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.
I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.
After today's revelations about Susan Rice, I think it's become clear that the only foreigner who meddled in the election was Obama.
I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.
I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..
I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.
A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)
OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes. 