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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry. 
I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.
5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.
I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
[inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.
I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist? 