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People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle. 
Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.
[Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other.
Texas to plan another White Nationalist rally on 9/11. If this doesn't tell you the people in Texas are f-ed up, then there is no hope for you and should stop being an American all together.
Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...
I was grocery shopping today and when I was finished I went to the checkout line. The lady at the register said "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I said "No. I was looking for a $100 bill in the Rice Krispies section I but didn't find one."
Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.
70% of Facebook users have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Married… LIKE if you love food.
If your God is totally ok with nuking an entire country but not with 2 guys marrying, you might consider exchanging that God.
I'm really tired of every article about a woman having an opinion being accompanied by the most deranged photo of her they can find.
What's better than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
Apparently calling a pair of conjoined twins "hipsters" is not cool.
There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."
Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?
Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.
I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.
You know your girlfriend is horny when you put your hand up her skirt and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.
Looks like all the funny kids are back in school... 