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Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible. 
Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?
Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!
The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.
Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.
Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.
"Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."
The only way the Democrats would do away with Obamacare would be if it required a photo ID to get it.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
All of a sudden no one wants to shake my hand. T.C.
If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.
I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Uh, rah rah baseball people. Football season's begun. More You can stop now. Thanks.
my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone. 