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I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight. 
Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"
My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.
I sent my family tree into Ancestry.com. They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me to start over. FML.
The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.
"Santa, have you been working out? It sure shows. By the way, I love the new work flow plan you've established for the elves. Very efficient!" - Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer
Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it
Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad
I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes
If you survive any given fashion fad, you are allowed to wear it forever according to my dad
Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book
1st of December and I already gained 3 pounds. Fml.
Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.
Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
Funny how Flynn went from "lock her up" to maybe being locked up. 