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Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes 
Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.
If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches
One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth
I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"
The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house
I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is
I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show
Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are
Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business
A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive
Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .
You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock
How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!
Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate. 