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[ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please 
So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's
My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.
Bose is a Bengali Stereo type.
A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.
I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.
I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.
Overheard the boss telling the new guy, "I don't care if you ARE Winnie the Pooh. You still have to wear pants to work!"
somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze
I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already .
I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"
A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.
If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.
Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies
A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.
I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers
I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room.
Women have options. Men have responsibilities.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more 