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I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh 
Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce
M.A.G.A: My Attorney Got Arrested
I want to find a lawyer that makes $130,000 payments on my behalf, for things I never did, and he doesn't ask for repayment. Amazing.
Notice when Obama was president, spring always came on time? Just saying......
I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.
I love it when people knocks on my door. It gives me an excuse to use my guns.
Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.
I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls
I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.
Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"
Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.
All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.
Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.
I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.
The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on
Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp 