StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.

   No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one

   Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.

   I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt. You just get taller.

   My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.

   I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.

   Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

   Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.